A Journey

"Come to me (Jesus), all of you who are are tired and have heavy loads, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11.28 

I had to start out with this verse because it is the perfect example of what our family has been like this past week.  God has been faithful to His promise and through this storm He has given us rest.  I'd like for this blog to be a testimony to His faithfulness in our lives.

This particular journey began Friday, February 6,2009 at 6:30pm.  I had an appointment with my midwife to have an ultrasound so we could see our 11 week old baby that was growing inside of me.  However, the ultrasound did not go well.

After spending much time searching, the baby could not be found!  "How could this be possible?!"  I asked my midwife in desperation, "I have had all the perfect signs of being pregnant!"  My midwife gently and lovingly told me that it was possible, the situation is called a blighted ovum.  The baby stops forming a few days after conception, however, the body continues on as if it is pregnant, even having morning sickness, and fatigue.  It is a very strange thing that happens but not all that uncommon, so I have learned.

To us however in that moment, our world did a flip-flop.  I felt numb as we walked to our car.  "How could this be happening?  My slightly bulging tummy had no baby warmly nestled in there?"

That night in the shower I started banging my fists on the walls and crying out to God, "WHY?!? Why are you letting this happen a third time?!"  That's the moment I realized that Jesus was right there crying just as hard as I was.  His heart was just as broken as mine.  As I saw this picture in my mind a wave of guilt hit me and I asked him to forgive me for my anger.  In the Bible it says, "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I (Jesus) have overcome this world."  I then saw that this pain I was feeling is because we as humans invited sin and death into this world.  God had make a perfect world for us, but because of our desire to be like God, we destroyed that perfect world.  Thus the reason Jesus came!  To save us from this world of hurt and sin and give us hope of Heaven where we can live with no hurt or pain.  If God stopped all bad things from happening on this earth, then why would we hope for Heaven?  Having all this realization rush over me gave me great peace and strength to face whatever was coming in the next few days.  How little I knew then how much I'd need that strength.

Monday morning dawned with my body giving me the signs that it was preparing to miscarry.  The finality of everything hit and fresh tears came.  After letting my parents know, they decided my mom would come be with me.  That was a huge relief for me!

The day passed slowly with me having lots of cramps but otherwise nothing seemed to progress much.  My mom arrived that evening and I think Eric and I breathed a collective sigh of relief.

Tuesday seemed to be going just like Monday.  I was getting confused because my other two miscarriages had gone much quicker, lasting no more than a few hours.  My cramping was terrible but that was about the only thing my body was doing.  Nothing was starting to pass.  We decided to have an ultrasound done to confirm what was going on.  My midwife referred me to an ultrasound tech who actually comes to your home.  That was a huge blessing because I in no way wanted to be out in public.

That afternoon the tech arrived.  After setting up the equipment we got ready for the ultrasound.  Immediately a tiny baby appeared on the screen.  I felt the air leave my lungs as I tried to focus on that little baby.  It seemed the world was spinning.  "I thought there was no baby!" my mind screamed!  "What is going on?  Is it alive?"

The ultrasound tech took some measurements then turned to me, "Heather, I'm sorry, your baby did not make it."  The words hit me like a ton of bricks.  It was almost more than I could handle.  First, no baby, now there was a baby, then a glimmer of hope, then the awful truth.  The measurements told us that the baby had lived until 9 weeks.  (I was supposed to be at 11)  The placenta and sac were all still neatly in place.  With my body in terrible pain from such strong cramping I began to be discouraged that this miscarriage was going to take a very long time.

I didn't have long to wait however.  Everything broke down quickly and that night the process of passing everything began.  Without going into details, I will just say that it was extremely painful and I lost tons of blood.  But with God's strength and peace, and my mom, I got through.

Wednesday was spent trying to keep me warm, fed, hydrated, and in as little pain as possible.  I had lost so much blood that it made me freezing, weak, and tired.  But in my spirit I felt like I could start healing.

Thursday I awoke with more strength (and was not as cold.)  Trying to get some strength back I did some dishes and wiped down the counters.  Was that energy I felt?  Hooray!  My friend Krystle came over for lunch and we spent an hour talking and laughing.  She left and my friend, Angie called to check on me.  As I was talking to her a cramp suddenly hit.  It kept gaining in intensity and I finally told her I had to get off the phone.  I dropped to my hands and knees and made my way to the bathroom, calling for my mom as I went.  The pain grew worse and worse and I started getting dizzy.  With my head down I frantically told my mom to call our friends, the Turners, to come get Abby.  I didn't want Abby to see me in such pain; I also needed all my mom's attention.  I couldn't handle sitting anymore and my mom helped me to the floor.  I curled up in a ball.  All my insides seemed to be exploding.  I knew something was terribly wrong.  All I could do was cry and bite my pillow to keep from screaming.

When Annette arrived, my mom and her decided they could not get me down the stairs to the car so they decided to call 911.  Before I knew it I was surrounded by men in dark blue.  I tried to answer their questions and submit myself to all the moving and poking they had to do.  All I wanted was Eric.  Annette got him on speaker phone and I begged him to come.  He said that of course he would!  After more questions and an I.V., I was taken down to the waiting ambulance.  The neighbors were all out and I covered my face with my blanket.  The trip to the E.R. was fine except for my mom spilling my Gatorade all over the ambulance control panel :-) Sparks did not fly and hopefully everything still works.  

At the hospital a blood test and ultrasound was done.  Slowly over time my pain had eased up.  The end conclusion was that possibly I had had to pass one more thing and my body had cramped up trying to do that, or that a cyst on my ovary had burst.  Whatever it was... it hurt.

Today is now Saturday.  One week since this roller-coaster began.  I truly feel that the only way I didn't go crazy was because I had God's peace in my heart.  When all else seemed to be changing or hurting, my heart had peace.  Today I am still having some pain, headaches, and weakness but I think the worse is over.

Thank you everyone who has prayed.  Your prayers have carried us through.